To Live a Meaningful Life, Look for Moments of Deep Connection [#9]

Overcoming separation in the age of the loneliness crisis

Our lives become more and more fragmented.

The ping of a notification interrupts our conversation. A thought carries us away from noticing something beautiful.

Many people want to squeeze in as much as possible in the time that's available. Yet often when they do these things, they are rushed and distracted.

It’s hard to be present for the things we do when we think about the next thing that’s happening afterwards.

We are doing the thing that we squeezed in, but we are not really there.

I remember a time when I tried to schedule two meetings with friends after work and possibly a quick workout in between. Even if I managed to do it all, I felt exhausted and not really fulfilled after.

I checked boxes, but did not feel connected.

In the world we live in, we see the quantity of time spent together equal to the quality of time spent together.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is a huge difference if you are with a group of friends, where everyone has their phone on the table and regularly checks it, compared to a deep, heartfelt 1-on-1 with someone that you can share how you really feel.

In the latter time passes rapidly. 2 hours feel like 10 minutes. And the feeling is completely different.

In a society that is always chasing the next new, interesting thing, a rebel thing to do is to embrace slowness and find the moments of deep connection in our everyday life.

Instead of going for quick dopamine hits that a glance at our phone releases, we should go for slowness and connection that release quieter, feel-good hormones like oxytocin.

Not only does it feel more meaningful, but it is healthy for us to experience this.

So, how do we get more of these moments where we feel deep connection?

A good start is to ask yourself, when in your life do you feel a deep connection to the world, yourself, and others?

Is it when you take a slow walk through a forest, when you leave your phone in the car?

Is it on a coffee date with an old friend where you share your fears, challenges, and longings - and you feel heard?

Is it when you see something that warms your heart and you stop to look and savour that feeling before you move on?

Is it when you take time to journal your heart out and find words for what is going on in your inner world?

Becoming aware of when these situations happen can help you design your life more towards connection instead of separation.

On a more concrete level, what can facilitate moments of deep connection?

Practice Awareness / Mindfulness / Attention

You can’t have moments of deep connection when you don’t notice them.

When your mind is wandering, you are not really there.

“Wherever you are, make sure you are there.”

With thousands of requests on our attention, it requires training to stay present in the moment and not get pulled away by notifications, thoughts, or worries.

One way to train this is meditation, the practice of mindfulness. Sitting down and concentrating on the breath for 10 minutes a day can already make a difference.

It trains your focus and your ability to be present.

“Focus is the currency of the 21st century” - Warren Buffett

If you are new to it, try any meditation app with a starter course and find out what works for you.

Do it every day and see how your life changes in a month.

Increase friction for distraction

It is hard to notice the beauty and to feel awe about the world when your phone is vibrating in your pocket.

When you go on walks or spend time with friends, put your phone deep in your bag or leave it in the car.

Make it inaccessible.

Your environment predicts your behaviour. If you don’t have your phone around, it is literally impossible to get distracted by it.

There is no easier way to curb the cues that make you pick it up.

Notice what happens when you try to reach for your phone, but it is not there.

Feel good about being in control again.

Listen more than you speak and ask deep questions

In conversations, we often want to tell the other person about us, about what happened, about the cool things we did.

This does not create connection.

When you listen deeply and ask open-ended questions about how they feel, meaningful connection happens.

Superficial talk creates shallow relationships. Sharing vulnerability and listening from the heart creates deep relationships.

Increasing our capacity for deep connection can catalyse a shift in consciousness.

If you train your capacity for deep connection in everyday life, you will have more of these in other situations.

It feels rewarding, nurturing, and fulfilling to be connected, instead of isolated or alienated.

To deep and meaningful connections!

Quick recap:

1. Practice Awareness / Mindfulness / Attention
2. Increase friction for distraction
3. Listen more than you speak and ask deep questions

Happy regenerating,

Jonas