To Live a Good Life Get To Know Yourself [#12]

4 ways to cultivate more self-knowledge

The top regret of the dying is “not having lived a life true to themselves”. They did not follow their strengths, moral ambitions, callings, or interests. Or worse, they didn’t even know them.

In today's world, it is easier for you to live a life that fits the system or expectations of others, rather than a life that suits you.

Traditional education does not help you develop self-knowledge.

That’s why most people don’t go from the Socialized Mind to the Self-Authoring Mind in Kegan’s Stages of Development:

Where are you on the spectrum? ;-)

Approximately 50% of the population is at this conformist stage of development. It stems from our survival instinct. Trying out things different from your tribe used to be risky.

But it is not anymore.

You might even find a tribe that fits you better than the one you were born in, if you try out new things and learn.

I believe it is impossible to live a truly meaningful and joyful life if you don’t know yourself.

Self-directed discovery shows you what you like or dislike, what your values are, and what you want to bring into the world.

“Know thyself” - Socrates

Getting to know yourself is a lifelong quest. It cultivates wisdom. It helps you to feel more at home in your body.

Here are 4 ways to cultivate more self-knowledge:

Take the Character Strength Test

This one is the easiest. There are some interesting tests out there that can help you get to know yourself.

The most impactful one for me was the “Character Strength Test”. According to Flow research, there are 24 character strengths. Everyone possesses these character expressions, but to different extents.

The research further shows that if you try to exercise your top 5 character strengths more often, you will find more flow and meaning in life.

When I took the test the first time, it blew my mind. I didn’t know that “Zest” (in German: Lebensfreude) is a strength at all and that it ranked among my top 5. Humor was at the top as well.

Realising these are strengths of mine, I tried to live more according to them, which helped me cultivate more joy in my life.

Looking into a metaphorical mirror, such as a character test, can help you shine light on your blind spots.

I added a link to the Character Strength Test at the end of this article.

Take the results with a grain of salt: the test is a limited representation of you. It only measures a specific part, and your whole personality can’t be measured by answering some questions online.

Ask for feedback from people close to you

Another metaphorical mirror that helps you to get to know yourself better is asking people (whom you regularly interact with) for feedback.

After asking if they are open to it, the simple question of “What are my strengths and weaknesses?” often reveals things you didn’t consciously know about yourself. Ask for clarification if needed.

You tend to assume character traits as normal, where for others they might be significant.

I started the habit of asking colleagues for feedback, and it has helped me grow tremendously. For example, a former boss of mine advised me that I could cultivate the skill of “reading the room,”: meaning to sense when it’s the right time to say something or if someone seems off or needs something.

This has changed my way of facilitating to be more inclusive of silent voices.

It’s a useful tool, just be careful not to see feedback as the pure truth. See it as a perspective of someone.

I like to see feedback as a buffet: it’s an offering from the feedback giver, and you can take what you can understand and follow (and discard what might be their personal projections.)

Journal your heart out every morning

Making the unconscious conscious is another way of cultivating self-knowledge.

Writing is thinking & feeling, but slowed down.

Slowing down your thoughts to the speed of writing by hand makes you more aware of what is going on in the depths of your mind.

I have been journaling for more than 5 years now, and it has been the biggest support in my life outside of friends or family.

Especially last year, when I went through all the journals of the last 5 years, it was a rewarding experience. I learned a lot about my habits, patterns, vices, and made a new year plan according to what I learned.

A great way to start is called morning pages (it takes 20-30 minutes): Every morning, you sit down to write 3 pages of whatever comes to your mind. It doesn’t need to make sense. Just put on paper what’s coming up.

It regularly helps me to resolve blockages, makes me more aware of my emotions and what I need, and even helps unblock situations where I feel stuck.

Try out things that you think you like

The best teacher is experience. You can think as much as you want about things that you might like, but the reality will be different.

The science of well-being coined the term “MISWANTING”: The act of being mistaken about what and how much you will like something in the future.

It’s quite common.

For example, we believe a higher salary will make us happy. But as we adapt to the new normal quite soon (hedonic adaptation), the happiness wears off quickly.

We judge how something will make us happy according to social comparison and reference points. If these change, so does our happiness.

So if you have an urge to try something that might make you happy, try it.

Life is short. And it is meant to be lived.

Invest in experiences and cultivate gratitude for life.

Or lower the social comparison around you and judge your happiness to lower reference points ;-)

Happy regenerating,

Jonas

Resources:

​ViA Character Strength Test​
​Bullet Journal Method​ ​
Morning Pages​
The Science of Well-Being Course​