Improving Emotional Intelligence for a Better Life – 3 Practical Exercises That Helped Me [#28]

We live in a highly intellectualized world. Since the Renaissance and the “I think therefore I am” from René Descartes, we have put more emphasis on thinking than on feeling.

Most people learn from a young age that feelings are not valued in our capitalist system, which rewards egoism & greed, not empathy. Boys learn that “Boys don’t cry,” and that creates a lot of issues down the line. Luckily, that is changing.

But still, there is a lack of emotional intelligence that results in fights on the micro scale (e.g., relationships) and wars on the macro scale (e.g., geopolitics).

When people in power go rogue and start wars, I am seeing a little child who didn’t learn how to manage emotions.

“Everything you want in life is to change how you feel” - Tony Robbins

I believe we would be living in a better world if we only knew how to better feel and communicate emotions.

So here are 3 exercises that help me in my everyday life to cultivate emotional intelligence:

1 - The “Zwiegespräch”

In busy lives, we often lack the mental and physical space to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one. This can create tensions because emotions get stuck, and then there might be an outburst down the line due to something small.

My partner introduced this technique to me about a year ago, and while I was reluctant at first, I am a big fan now and recommend it to everyone.

It goes like this:

1. You take 40 minutes with your partner or whoever you want to connect with, where you won’t be disturbed. (No phones, of course.)

2. Alternating, you take 10 minutes each to talk about how you feel, what's alive in you right now, and how you feel in the relationship. (e.g., your partner talks 10 min, then you talk 10 minutes, then your partner, then you again)

3. The other person listens attentively. It can help to sit back-to-back so you don’t communicate with your eyes or face.

Some rules:

• You only talk about yourself. Try to use I-Statements e.g., “I feel ... “
• You don’t respond when you are not talking; you just listen.
• You try to speak from the heart, not what your mind tells you is “appropriate” to share.
• You don’t judge your partner.

It sounds simple, and it is if you commit to it. My partner says it’s like brushing your teeth, but in the relationship. There won't be emotional buildup if you do it regularly.

Not only does it help you to learn how to feel and communicate how you feel better, but it also helps you listen to each other more attentively, giving the other person the feeling of being heard.

2 - The Council Circle

When you are working or living with a bigger group, this is one of the social tools you will want to use.

In groups, there can be social or emotional tension building up if it is not addressed. This circle can help ease that tension, create a collective consciousness, and improve the connection and coherence of the group.

It goes like this:

1. Find a regular cadence and meeting for the circle. (e.g., Thursday night every 2 weeks.)

2. You need one facilitator who explains the concept and the rules.

3. You pass around a “talking stick” or another object that shows that you are the speaker. When you hold the object, you are free to share from the heart: e.g., how you are, how you feel in the community, what’s going on in your life that affects you.

4. Everybody else listens from the heart.

5. When you are done, you pass the talking stick to the next person, who can then share. Or decide to simply pass on the stick to the next person.

6. You go around in circles until the stick is just passed person to person without anyone sharing more (Or until the time has passed - 90 minutes is a good time frame)

7. Now have a nice dinner to celebrate the improved connection and the feeling of feeling heard by everyone.

Some rules:

• You don’t respond to anyone.
• Every emotion is welcome. Every behaviour is not.
• Try to speak from the heart, not what your mind is telling you is appropriate.
• You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.
• Be grateful for everyone who is opening up and wants to share.

We have been doing these circles in the village project I am part of, and from my point of view, it has improved the connection of the group.

While people were not convinced in the beginning, most love it now and are looking forward. I know about many other communities that use this tool successfully every week.

3 - The Meditation Session

A key skill for the exercises above is mindfulness. You need to practice noticing how you feel before you can share it.

I have been meditating on and off for more than 8 years, and this is one thing that has made a lot of things better. My mood, mindfulness, compassion, concentration, and being less reactive to things that happen.

It’s easy:

1. Find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed.

2. Set a timer for your practice (or use a meditation app) - 10 minutes is good for a start.

3. Sit upright, close your eyes, and start to observe your breath.

4. Try counting to 10 while just observing your breathing. When you catch yourself following a thought that comes up, start again at one.

5. Do this for the time you set.

6. When the timer ends, sit a bit longer and enjoy the calm of your mind.

In the beginning, it will be heard. Our mind is not used to being quieted down. There will be a lot coming up: thoughts, emotions, and whatever is coming through the stream of consciousness.

You might get frustrated in the beginning, too, but that is also just an emotion that will pass.

After a few weeks of daily practice, you will be more aware of how you really are and feel calmer, less compulsive, more compassionate, and less anxious or distracted.

I hope these exercises give you some inspiration on how to cultivate more emotional intelligence in your life and thereby make it a better life through better relationships.

What tools do you use to improve emotional intelligence?

Happy regeneration,

Jonas